Thursday, December 16, 2010

heartache is meant to teach..
Even the relationships I never thought I could overcome, I have. I remember myself at the weakest points. The nights where I couldn’t even recognize the person I’d become. Those nights were my worst. I failed myself in more ways than one by letting someone come into my life and completely destroy every value that belonged to love for me. People always tend to remember what traumatizes them most. It gets embedded into our system because of the pain it carries. All those nights twisted up, lost, and 3,000 miles away from contentment. We’ve all been there.

But heartache is meant to teach. It’s meant to define what is wrong from right. The despair leads to a lesson learned, and a lesson learned reaches for a stronger type of strength. The courage empowered by the need to overcome heartache teaches you to break the distress. Granted that being in a relationship tends to suffocate original solitude. Relationships hold you to a deep rooted dependency for that person. Then over the course of the months that you two stay separate, you regain the independence you had lost. It’s the cycle of life and love and all the emotions in between.

Try now to remember who you are and stop letting sadness block you from living for the better.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who you are seeps through to the exterior..
I never get jealous of other girls who are prettier than me because quite frankly, I will never be anyone but myself. So being jealous and wishing you looked like someone else is completely pointless. You’re just wishing on the impossible, and it only contributes to insecurity and low self esteem. I’ve learned to bring myself away from ever having those feelings. I like myself for me, flaws and all. Trust me, I have many flaws, too many, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. They make me unique, and I’m happy for that. I wouldn’t change myself out of insecurity. I only change to make myself happier.

I know physical attraction plays a lot in a relationship, but it’s not everything. Even if it starts an interest, it’s not what keeps me in tact with someone. I’ve run across a few guys who are surely attractive, but they don’t have that X factor. We don’t have the spark, the flow, the right type of click to start things. I don’t stick around for just a pretty face. I’m hooked to people by the way they treat me, just the person they are in general, and the type of conversation and spark we possess. Other times, even if someone is really sweet and nice, I can’t help but think of them as a friend. That doesn’t make people “shallow”, by the way. It’s just the way you feel and you can’t change your emotions to please others.

I’ve always known that inner beauty is what makes someone lovely. I’ve lived by it for years, but lately, Rex has been making me realize how much beauty truly radiates from within. He’s one of the first guys to concentrate on who I am personality wise, rather than focusing on or judging me for what I am on the outside. That truly inspires me. He really makes me want to better myself for the deeper aspects of life rather than the superficial. Who you are seeps through to the exterior, and if someone is ugly on the inside, it’s difficult to truly call them beautiful even on the outside. Being a good person definitely remains at the top of my wants. In the past, I used to always feel like I had to better myself to make losers regret me, but that was all wrong. It only made me weaker on the inside and it was all for the wrong cause. It wasn’t for me, it was for someone else who shouldn’t have even mattered. I now focus “makeovers” on my personality and mindset. I don’t let the materialistic fulfillments in life take over my mind.

Inner beauty really does make someone that much more beautiful on the outside, and I can’t stress that enough.

Rihanna “Fading”

You say you love me
Well they feel like words to me
Well this just ain’t working
Stop thinking you can run over me
Drifting, settling off to a foreign place
If I can’t see what’s in front of me
It’s a mystery, well then apparently

Things just ain’t the same
And I’m ready for change
Go on, be gone, bye bye, so long
Can’t you see that you’re
Fading, fading, fading
Away, away, away, away
Then I opened up my eyes, and I finally realized
Today, today it’s too late
You’re fading away

Put a sock in it, just stop running your mouth
Got my mind made up, I ain’t coming back again
No way, no way, no way, no way
‘Cause I’m so fed up, boy you got me messed up
If you hit me back up, don’t press your luck today, today
I’m blowing you away

Lately, I have not had the chance to have time for myself. I’ve been anywhere but home everyday. I guess all this stress over everything is getting to me again. I keep telling myself that I would stop drinking, but when it comes to the weekends, a bottle in hand is all I have. I know it’s bad relying on alcohol, because essentially it does not get rid of everything, but rather the feel calms me a bit.

My mind has not been at ease for several months now. I know I should be happy on how content my life is right now compared to those other months, but most the time I am nothing close to satisfied. I think too much on the past & future, when rather I should be thinking about the present. I guess the thoughts of my past make me want a better future, and when thinking about my future, I start stressing out. Simply because to me, the future is a scary place.

* fuuuuucccccckkk! i need a 90 average for a guaranteed admission in McGill University

Love me..
Love me for me, not what you see on the outside or in pictures. Love me for everything that I am because beneath the hair, make-up, and smile is so much more. Love me when I’m temper-mental, when I’m insecure. Love me when I’m at my worst, because that’s when I need it the most. Love me because I bring you a sense of happiness that you wouldn’t trade for anything else, not because I’m good for your ego. Love me despite my past and understand every wound that I had to endure to make me who I am today. Be patient with me, respect me when I say “No”, but most of all… accept me. Show me you’ll always be by my side and never run away from me. Because once you do, I won’t regret it. And lastly, don’t tell me you love me and then one day say “maybe”, love isn’t a maybe thing.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I know exactly who you are or how important you will be to me when I first meet you. But if you can show me that you’ll be there through the good and the bad, I would want to be with you everyday then. I’m willing to wait for you, even if sometimes the feeling of loneliness becomes unbearable.
I’m willing to wait for the best thing in my life.

Sometimes you cross my mind in the most casual of settings and the most simple of situations. In that split second, there is no denial, no bitterness, nor any reverence of whether that thought is good or bad. It is in that moment that I wonder if you ever think of me. If not in the same light. If not at all.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Your love haunts me, I can’t escape it anywhere that I go. That chapter of love, the one that always holds a part of me. I try to run but I just can’t hide. My heart is haunted and it gets cornered by your love. Is it you or that I just can’t let go?

Good night.

I just want to be free
Just when you found a stable part in your life where nothing fluctuates anymore, things recur again in such an unsteady pace. I’ve been trying to just breathe, slowly. When you take things in steps, one at a time, it’s amazing to see how less overwhelmed you feel. Amidst the demanding school due dates, grade stressing, and personal trauma, it’s hard to find my peace of mind. Even though I try to manage time in a flexible schedule for everything and everyone that matters, I find that I never have time for myself. I don’t know if what I’m saying is a bad thing; being preoccupied is healthy to a certain extent. Maybe I’m just suffocating myself. Just alittle. Even now as I write all of this, I find everything extremely uninteresting. I’m still fumbling over the right words to explain. I’m still trying to maintain that path of becoming a better me but at the end of the day, I can barely get myself back to life.

The beauty of innocence.
Pain meant getting soap on your eye, or tripping on a rock and getting a bruise on your knee. But as a person steps into teenage years, the meaning of pain transforms into heartache or the feeling when you can’t meet the standards that people expect you to reach. As people grow, innocence slowly fades and the world reveals itself through traumatizing experiences that explains what reality really is. The difficulty of situations either break or make a person. But thats life, it never stops. We constantly have to go through an endless cycle of realizing the truth about life. Innocence is something that young people should cherish, which is why I don’t understand why kids in this generation try so hard to grow up so fast.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Today, I asked my friend how he was doing, and how he felt. He said he felt lonely. He doesn’t ususally open up so easily to me. For some reason, I felt like I knew exactly how he felt.
Loneliness… is a scary feeling, isn’t it? Not having anyone to run to when something goes wrong. Not having anyone to understand you, not having anyone that you can be yourself around, not having someone you can count on, not having anyone to complete you. That empty feeling inside you. That deep dark hole inside your heart…
I… want to keep him company, Prince Charming. I don’t want him to be lonely, but no matter how many friends surround him that makes him laugh, in the end, deep inside, he will always feel lonely. Only the one he likes can take away the loneliness, and emptiness he feels. I guess I’m just like him. Only the one I like can take away the loneliness and emptiness I feel. No one can replace him.
How do you feel Prince Charming? Do you feel lonely too? I know when I meet you… we’ll complete each other, like a puzzle piece. You’re my missing puzzle piece.

& I dont want to think about you baby so much.
i keep trying to forget about you, about everything you have ever done to me. and it hurts every time i think of you and i dont like that. i dont like that at all. i hate it, hate it with my heart, hate it with my soul. i hate everything about it, I miss you… i miss everything we been through. i miss every phone call we had with each other. I miss the fights we were in. I miss the time when we laugh for no reason at all. i miss the time when you say you love me out of no where. i miss when i wear you hoodies. and when we joke around and act like there’s only us in the world. I miss the words u told me, that i was the girl of your life and u would do anything for me but hurt me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning
High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'

High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Him: Sometimes I can't figure you out!!! You get mad you hang up on me & it fucking pisses me off. I call back you tell me to fuck off. After trying and trying I'm just like 'Ok I'll just talk to her tomorrow' then YOU call and I'm like OMG! But wait it gets better!!! You call back I answer and somehow you end up hanging up on me AGAIN! And the whole thing starts over.

Me: LMAO I do it cause you piss me off & I know it pisses you off.


Me: LOL okk.

Him: -__________________________-'

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Story of a Marriage, Andrew Sean Greer
"How do you make someone love you? For the very young, there can be nothing harder in the world. You may try as hard as you like: place yourself beside them, cook their favourite food, bring them wine or sing the love songs that you know will move them. They will not move them. Nothing will move them. You will waste days interpreting the simple banalities of a phone call; months staring at their soft lips as they talk; you will waste years watching a body sitting in a chair and willing every muscle to take you across the room and do a simple thing, say a simple word, make them love you and you will not do it; you will waste long nights wondering how they cannot feel this - the urge to embrace, the snow melt in the heart when you are near them - how they can sit in that chair, or speak with those lips, or make a call and mean nothing by it, hide nothing in their hearts. Or perhaps what they hide is not what you want to see. Because surely they love someone. It simply isn’t you."

What would you do if you were the boyfriend or girlfriend?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Pale skin, big eyes, folded eye lids, and thick eye brows. Those are the things that supposedly make asian girls beautiful. I think they’re beautiful just the way they are.

Te Amo
Why does love have so many rules? People will say that love isn’t jealous or insecure or selfish or whatever, and that if yours possesses one of these qualities then it isn’t real. Who are they to tell you your love isn’t real or that you’re not loving somebody the right way? They don’t know what you’ve been through or the kind of person you are. The way I see it, everyone loves differently. What it all boils down to is this: do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Because to me, love is just knowing you can wake up next to them every day and be happy. If you can, then all these definitions and rules that people try to give love don’t matter. You have love. Hold on to it.

Will explanation work it out?
Let the southeast breeze blow the dry leaves away whenever your back yard has been full of them. Let it make a path through your bedroom’s door when it’s slightly open, even though you’ll close it again whenever you find the clock shows it’s been midnight. So at least, just let it come and goes.

I know someone’s coming for you always, and I could see you’re craving it too, however. So let me whisper you gently a few meaningful words whenever we find our favourite sunset meaningfully warms us enough.

Well, I’m good enough at holding things on. I’m good at holding my desires on, where I know they’re gonna ruin my happy days so soon.

I’m doing this because, nothing more than lessen your burdens and let me enjoy my happy days.

And who knows I could change the way you think, it ain’t impossible, eh? it’s one of my big dreams, however.

I want somebody to sleep with the rest of my life and cuddle up during a movie on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Get lost in the woods together. Challenge me, challenge him. Talk about dreams, make dreams. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you’re having them. Someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes and not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. A guy who will bring me flowers, once in a while, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. Something he saw that made him think of me, made him think “this might make my girl smile” as he smiles to himself. A guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he’s got.

"If we fall in love because someone makes us laugh, what happens when we no longer find them funny? If we fall in love because someone is beautiful, what happens when that beauty fades? If we fall in love because someone can provide for us, what happens when they lose their wealth? Love defies all reasons. When you truly love someone you love them at the core… in good or bad times."

I don't need you

I had a thought tonight. I was thinking about love and how foolish it is to allow most of your happiness to depend on its presence or lack. I’m sure it’s wonderful. I understand the ache for it, I do. But how can you let your personal happiness depend so much on someone else’s actions? This is your journey and no one else’s and if they happen to converge for a bit, well then that’s beautiful. But what if they depart? If you spend your days waiting for the person, the love, to make you happy, are you prepared to give up that happiness if it doesn’t work out?

I believe in love. I hope for love. But tonight I had a thought that I want to be happy whether I’m alone or there’s someone next to me. I want my personal happiness to run so deep that nothing can disturb it. I want my happiness to be an undeniable part of me. Love comes and goes but I’m not willing to have my happiness be so fleeting; the world is just too beautiful and life too short to waste any of it being made miserable by circumstance.

I know the lipstick won't fix it
But I've gotta put my game face on
I wish Mascara could mask this
Until all the tears are gone
I've gotta paint the pain away
Make like - I'm ok
Pretend I don't wanna stay
Act like this aint killing me

I've tried One two three too many times
I've heard one two three too many lies

So I gotta pretend that I'm not gonna miss you
I gotta pretend that this is what I wanna do
I gotta pretend when I walk out that door
That I don't love you anymore
I gotta play the part act like it aint killin' me
Gotta play the part when you try stopping me
Hide what's written on my face
Dig deep in the makeup case
And cover it with Lipstick

I'm sick of looking in the mirror
Cause my mirror sees right through
MAC aint got enough concealer
To hide how much I'll miss you
I've gotta cover up my hurt
No more - getting burnt

I really need'a let you go
Cause my heart can't take no more

It's the hardest role I'll ever have to play
It's the hardest lie I'll ever have to make
To look you in the eye
And not break down and cry
When I say goodbye

So I gotta pretend that I'm not gonna miss you
I gotta pretend that this is what I wanna do
I gotta pretend when I walk out that door
That I don't love you anymore
I gotta play the part act like it aint killin' me
Gotta play the part when you try stopping me
Hide what's written on my face
Dig deep in the makeup case
And cover it with Lipstick

Sunday, December 5, 2010

a little misunderstanding.
A huge misconception that people always seem to make is that, my family is rich. Sorry to break it to you but it's because my parents work EXTREMELY hard for their money. I don't know how many times I have to explain myself to people, but it's just getting extremely annoying. My boyfriend said to me one day "I'm sorry if I'm not rich like you" , to me that was a huge slap on the face. I must admit it did hurt hearing those words come out of his mouth because to me, it felt like he was saying that I'm more "superior" than him.

I think the worse was when my ex was telling me how he would compare himself to me. That, he felt below me because he wasn't rich enough and that he had to constantly prove to people that he deserves me. I think hearing that from him really hurt me because I never knew he felt that way and that the reason he worked so hard was to buy a car that met the same standards as mine. To me, I never expected that from him. If I only knew that was his reason for working so hard then I would have made him stop. But it was because he felt below me that he believed he had to work twice as hard to prove to people that he can be on the same level as me. For me, it didn't matter what kind of car he got. I guess, what I am trying to say is that, I hate how people judge me by my wealth because they feel so intimidated by me. UGH!